Stuff you broken body!!! Thief.

"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life."

Loss is one of the hardest things to deal with in life. It something that can tear you up and change the Person you are. When you've got a chronic illness, loss is inevitable and loss is always present but the depth of the loss is what defines each situation.

Just like every human being, I have felt loss both recently & in my life prior to illness and either way, it hurts. Be it loss surrounding an animal, a friend, a death, distance, or even a change in career - it all hurts to some degree and it is an uncomfortable sensation. What does loss feel like to you?  The feeling that you can't move without braking or that you're suffocated by your despair, the feeling you get in your stomach when you're about to drop a glass of wine on the carpet, or even the welling up of tears held back waiting to release at the slightest provocation. These are all familiar feelings to me when I experience loss, but it is the degree to which I feel the loss that has the greatest impact on me holistically.

Being chronically ill over the last few years I have experienced a different kind of loss than before. I never realised how much loss could be felt over things that I would previously not had a second thought about. How naive I was. How aware I am now. For that I am both thankful and saddened.

When your body and mind are healthy life just rolls on without a care. The daily tasks like cleaning your teeth, getting dressed and going to work or study are taken for granted. I took these things for granted before I got sick and these were stolen from beneath me.

There were things I used to think nothing of, or infact, things I used to wish away as annoyances or incidentals, that are now so much more meaningful to me. I never thought I would think twice about the movements & position of sitting up, yet ironically it has been the bane of my existence the last 5 years. I do not recall once in my prior 22years of healthy life thinking to myself 'how grateful I am to be able to sit up,' yet it is something I have felt deep loss over the last 5 years. 

The small but seemingly large things like; sitting at a dinner table with family or friends, sitting upright to eat meals so you can digest properly, sitting to study or write, sitting to travel in a standard vehicle, sitting to have coffe with friends or a drink, or being able to sit in the standard seated sections to enjoy a show at a concert or movie theatre, or even just purely sitting because that's what we as humans do. These are all things I can no longer do and things that have at some point crossed my mind and wished I could still do or do again. These are some things I have lost. 

Loss is cruel.

If I think more broadly I could go on forever about things I have felt a sense of loss over, but mostly they come down to the physical limitations which have resulted in me being unable to do, or be apart of important things. The most emotional losses I have had thanks to stupid chronic illness include things like missing being part of & attending my cousins and some of my best friends' weddings  and missing my grandmothers funeral. Those were 2 things that meant so much to me and will stick in my mind eternally as massive voids. When I reflect on these voids, those two examples seem far more of a typical human loss than the others I face as a result of my illnesses like; the ability to walk, sit or stand or even the ability to at times feed myself or even eat food or do my hair...Gosh the list could go on.

Today however I am grieving the loss of one of my biggest hopes and dreams. My dream to continue my university medical studies and eventually work within the medical field as a doctor. This loss seems different to other things as it is not something I had accomplished and miss, rather something I have so dearly strived for and aspired to and now, lost. This week I had to medically withdraw from my degree in Medicine. To say I am shattered and devastated is a huge understatement. 

All I feel right now is an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss. I am grieving the loss of what I pictured as my future career, happiness and one of my goals. I feel ripped off that this illness has been able to steal this from me. I feel frustrated that there were no options left unturned. I feel drained after 5 long years of hope and desire. I feel devastated and I feel lost. And I feel betrayed by my own body - I think that hurts the most. 

It's only very early days so I'm deeply upset. It's hard being upset in a public setting such as a hospital room but I have no choice right now which adds another dimension to the situation. I am experiencing such a different "me" as a result of this loss, so things like tears of sadness and darker days than before are my usual, and I think that's ok for now.

I know how I'm feeling right now, but I have been pondering some thoughts since this new reality. 

I'm wondering about how do I & will I cope with all of this??

And is there a certain way I should be dealing with this experience of loss?

Truthfully, I don't have any idea of how I should be acting, feeling or behaving and that uncertainty scares me a little but also frees me to do what I need to, to get over this hurdle. I don't follow a specific method or steps, so I guess for now my way of coping with this upsetting time is that I'll blast my ipod, attempt some mindfulness, I'll have my cry, shed I my tears, feel my sadness and hopefully ride this grief and sense of loss out. 

I know it's not going to feel like this forever but right now, in this moment, I want nothing more than to scream out F U AAG & POTS! I did not deserve this hand and I did not deserve this whole broken body. I have done everything in my power to cling to my dream and strive to beat this monster of an illness. 

Today I lost this heart breaking battle but tomorrow I hope to win the bigger picture and reclaim my life and health as I choose it. 

#StuffYouLife

#OnwardsAndUpwards